I look at marriages and unions of the people close to me, and with each one I see, the fear of commitment, of long term relationships only grow. I've seen people who I thought was impossibly in love, only to fight and squabble after a long time.
How can I trust? And how can I believe in everlasting love if the ones close to me don't practice it themselves?
All I want is a deep, abiding relationship where I can live in the secure knowledge that he would never leave me, never want anything but the best for me, and would never put anyone else before me. Might be a bit selfish, but I've lived enough trying to please everyone before me, that I simply want someone who would try and please me for once.
Of wishes and dreams, for someone who would love me for who I am, respect and accept what I want, and always be there for me.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Its the 10th... well, officially the 11th, since its almost past twelve. But whatever it is, I have a little over 2 weeks before I go home, and its a bittersweet feeling really. While I've come to love and adore the countryside that is Gippsland, not to mention the amount of friends, memories and loves I've made here, at the same time I can't wait to return home as well.
I will not deny it, I've fallen in love with this city, this country, this place. What's there not to love? Efficient public transport, amazing culture, and while Australia has its own drawbacks as well, its altogether an amazing place to be. Even in Gippsland, I cannot help but marvel at the wonder that is slow point, especially at dusk. The way of life where people would go home at 5Pm regardless, because they want to spend time with their family. The food and stuff all available here, the choices we are allowed and the freedom we are given in terms of what we want and what we wish to see change.
But at the same time, a part of me longs to go back to the familiarity of home. People have asked me... why do you want to go back? Have you not considered staying? Why go home to a place that has messy politics, and not exactly the best place to live in?
To me, that's exactly the reason why I want to go back. You've said it yourself, its home. And home has never been a more profound word for me.
It was where I was brought up, where everything that is near and dear to my heart is. Where else can I find shops that open till the dead of the night, places to eat and hang out when we leave university at 11PM because its been a long day with plenty to do? Despite the mess and everything that is bad within Malaysia, it is the place where I'm familiar, and to me, it is more home than anywhere else could ever be. For better or for worst, its home to me, and I think that helping it to be a better 'home' would infinitely be a better alternative then just running away... because running away is never going to solve anything. Nothing is perfect, and there's always going to be some bad or some good in every country, no matter where we go to.
So home it is, and I would be there to stay. But I'll be lying if I said it didn't pain me to leave the land down under where I've grown accustomed to, attached and love for the past four or so months. And I will be back, someday. If only to revisit and renew all the friendships I've made and cherish here, all the memories made here, and everything that has transpired.
But first, let me get through the next week, where two papers loom and threathen to eat me alive. ):