frustration

Night air is awesome tonight. So crisp, clean and soul-cleansing. I wanted to stand the whole night at the front of my house just to breathe and think.

Finals are very very near, just around the corner. My marks recently haven't been great, and English has been worrying me to the core. Theme study intends to murder me, and I'm now extremely extremely extremely worried that I won't be able to get the required 270 marks I need to get in my chosen course in Monash, as well as the 65% needed for English. I can't even surf the net or read a book lately without thinking about my finals.

Everytime I think about it, I get this tight, constricting feeling around my chest. My course ain't cheap, and I don't want to waste my mom's money by putting it down the drain if I can't get in Monash, but I was never good at studying. Give me Photoshop, or the net, and I can use it all day. Give me an exam on historical romance, or fangirling, and I'll score a perfect for you. But I can't do studying, seriously. I try, I memorize, but my marks are always mediocre.

And I'm worried, oh so worried. Worried that I'll dissapoint my mom, waste her money and not get in the course I chose myself. All I need is 270 and a 65% in English. I want to make it. I have to. But at the same time I'm so worried, I can hardly sleep at night, and its eating at me inside, so much so that I can't even live my life comfortably until finals are over. Thats why I'm so desperate now.

Desperate for the required marks. Desperate to not let my mom down. Desperate to make sure I can get in university smoothly, next year in February intake and not pay more money and continue in my Pre-U longer just cause I'm stupid and dumb and didn't get the required marks.